Funny how clearly one thinks when ill...

I dropped out of the rat race yesterday, just wasn't attending to the world around me much - I felt ill but struggling to stay with my workers and keep the library open, but I couldn't hold my mind nor will to the tasks at hand, just wanted to crawl off into a dark corner and rest up. So I gave up, there wasn't anything I loved enough to die trying... I gave up.

I don't like to be a quitter, many the times I have pushed myself to that far edge of pain and sorrow, but I don't really quit much. At one point there has to be more than pride in my power for that goes with the flickering strength and darkness closing in everywhere - when I begin to believe I might lose. That is when you only keep fighting for love, if it isn't about love there will be no more energy, strength from God only knows where. Being older and much wiser, I will look to see the cost and quit all the battles that aren't for better than I will ever be.

My mother doesn't realize how much of my fighting and killing has to do with my love of her, and dad and my other loves. If one doesn't love then one doesn't live and never understands what giving oneself up selflessly is all about. Better me than Thee. How many times have you heard that a parent would rather it had been them than their child, how many young people put on a uniform and march off to war to save everything their family means to them? It is all about love.

I laugh at kings and princes and presidents that think they have power and importance and should be given respect - if I loved them they would have it, if I am to respect them from fear then they should be afraid - what I fear I have destroyed to the best of my ability. Mostly I ignore them, there are enough fools in the world to glorify their pettiness. I am reminded that "as you do to the least of these you have done to me" yeah, got to love the little ones, the old ones, the left behind and forgotten ones, a quick smile and a gentle chuckle and tease - they are the ones worth fighting for.