Actually, I believe most of my back problems are from mental stress. This morning after prayer and gruel I played with the numbers, what I must pay for monthly (utilities, debts and such) and how much would be coming in on two checks. AFTER ALL WAS PAID OUT, I had five hundred and eleven dollars and ninety-nine cents for food. Without getting a part-time job for $14,160, there is un-employment everywhere!
Being an almost upright man, I have obligations to provide for my wife, who demands an allowance if I retire, who doesn't like to sleep on the ground, who likes to travel to see grandchildren, who knows that if she had handled the income we would be living wonderfully now, instead of her worrying about money being tight - my famous words from my youth "There isn't any more money." always come back to haunt me. She is a wonderful woman, but she talks to other women and compares us to them constantly. She even asks my mother for advice, who gave the advice and then told me about the discussion -- LADIES, talk among yourselves all you want, but don't tell the men what you have decided, suggested or what THEY said about something... leave me in the dark. Nothing I have said relieves me of my promises and responsibility, I must provide and since that has defined many of my better years continuing will not be a painful task.
The easy way out of all this is death, and then the survivor gets the insurance and investments and life without the other party... and Human Resources is very aware of the trauma of losing one's position so they have professional counselors to help the former employee past the period where suicide seems the best thing for everyone. I think at some point (when I can't do anything anymore) I will will myself off this mortal coil but it won't be suicide it will be acceptance and surrender. Until then, I have a Social Security Employee that didn't call back in forty-eight hours that might try today and I am going to work, taking my contact information with me.
I do have so much to clean up and finish out at the branch library, no matter what the options offered and the discussions to come, procrastination piles were not what I was hired for, so I should clean it all up. Last day is still 12 February 2010, enough time to shred most of the evidence. Oops! Need to turn in December's reports today, would have been Friday but I was trying to contact the government.
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