Depression about my lack of discipline...

I am such a slug, and I turned on the computer again this morning (didn't last night and you didn't miss me, did you?) and I am behind again. But I have this monster to get off my back and onto the page.

In the mail I get an offer of ten days of trial of the World of WarCraft (now that is tempting - but I have played other games against those on-line warriors and would rather fight Germanic Barbarians with the Roman Legions - and you know how that worked out - only good in The Gladiator). I also got my chance to add to the millions of dollars supporting the Candidate Osama, sorry - Barack Obama and Dino Rossi. Both of them are saying it is time for a CHANGE! For those that aren't from the Great Northwest, Rossi is the Republican candidate for Governor. I also get an envelope from the AARP for Life Insurance Enrollment - but I hadn't asked for them, do plumbers knock on my door? Nope.

Anyway, back to my depression with my disappointing me - the sad lack of discipline and loss of control of my life. Clara Hart has some real things to feel bad about and needs encouragement and I have my little angst, mine is nothing but it is mine. But I was reading Bear on a Bicycle and his note struck me as part of my problem. I seem to be concentrating on my failures, instead of the positive things I do - like I did get out of bed this morning opened the blinds and have taken my medicines (which I start cutting in half again, every other day) and made the coffee. I left a positive message at a blog that I have enjoyed for years for the blogger. Sometimes we need a reminder that we mean something to the world - they seem to ignore my wishes so well. I was telling my program manager (yes, I am part of the programmed) that the stories we need to tell the Legislature are the ones about inmates that leave our libraries and become good citizens. But then good citizens don't get in the news too much, do they? And I guess if I were jailed with Martin Luther King, Jr. during his protests and struggle I might share that, but being just a thug and a bad one that was caught and punished for it - that doesn't get aired until you are sitting in the rocker at the old folks home. Well, this morning in the email was a letter with a name I didn't recognize and was about to be deleted - like I would ever answer the people needing my help with their new found wealth and banking troubles.

"Hey Earl.

I worked for you for a few years at MICC. (I was the black gentlemen in need of a serious haircut!!!! HAH!!) You may be hard pressed to remember me as I got out in 2001, and never went back. (I attached a couple pictures to help you remember). I changed my name. As crazy as this sounds, I was just having a big old belly laugh about some of the times I had in that library. The petty things some of the prisoners were overly concerned with. I wanted to thank you for a few things.

First.. thank you for treating everyone fairly. You treated all of us the same. Like human beings, despite whatever acts we may have been involved with. I was in prison for seven years and you were the ONLY staff who behaved in a consistently civilized manner. You also didn't take any crap and I respected you for it.

Thank you for George R.R. Martin... who proved to me that fantasy fiction did not have to be silly. Until meeting you I wouldn't read any fantasy (being convinced that they were all bad Dungeons and Dragons sessions run amuck). I have been married for four years. My wife loves George Martin now and I have shouted his praise whenever it was appropriate. You were someone I looked forward to talking to everyday. In a place that was... less than hospitable. I took our discussions on adult relationships to heart, and I searched very hard for my wonderful wife, and have tried to be the best husband in the world for her.

Keep up the good work. Some of us do become rehabilitated. I am a 1/3rd shareholder in a company that produces web sites. I am also the sole proprietor of my own music publishing company, which has actually got some big projects on board to make me some money. The books you helped me to get on inter-library loan gave me the knowledge to make a living. Thanks for al your effort. I usually was way over the limit in my number of borrowed books. I want you to know I read every single one. It wasn't a waste. Thanks.

(I read your home page after googling your name). I am proud to have learned a few things from you. You may be having a bigger impact on peoples lives than you know. Maybe next time I'm in Tacoma we can get a cup of tea (I don't drink alcohol at all) and you ca meet my wife and kids. I've told her all about you.. the one nice guy in a land of jackals.

The best to you and yours,"

Well, that fits what I was saying about my focus, and what the Institutional Libraries needed in support. Of all the things I got from the Soviet Union, you with the AK's and SKS's have your treasures I have mine - I got one piece of Tactical Doctrine, remember I was a serious warrior for years and I studied. But the piece I thought was worth keeping was "Exploit Success, forget about the rest" I'd give it to you in Russian - but I never learned that, just German & Korean - one really must be able to talk with one's allies. Focus on the positive and enlarge what is working well, and remember that although one can be replaced - there would still be the void of who you really are and that makes all the difference.